Yo Purrsy

Saw this on Deadspin and thought of you

Q: Do you think that anyone has ever committed suicide solely because of sports? I'm not talking about some clinically depressed guy who lived in Cleveland and lost all his money and wife, and then LeBron leaving was just the final straw. I think there had to be some everyday guy with a decent life who couldn't stand to see the Bills lose their fourth Super Bowl, and just blew his head off right there. Am I right?

A: The only way it could happen is if the person in question was A) very drunk, and B) making a remarkably impulsive decision that, if sober, he would almost certainly regret. It's hard to imagine a sober guy with a steady job and a happy family watching the Chiefs trade for Alex Smith and then saying, "Fuck it, I'm out of here." But it IS easy to see that same man getting blind drunk, watching his team choke, and then playfully putting a gun to his head and pulling the trigger right before realizing that the gun is actually loaded. Now THAT is a feasible all-sport suicide.

Otherwise, I can't believe someone would kill himself for sports and sports alone*. Too many people like WALLOWING in the loss of their team to off themselves. What's the point of killing yourself over Tony Romo gagging away a playoff spot when you can put down the gun and text your friend "I AM FUCKING DONE WITH ROMO"? No sports fan is gonna miss out on the chance to openly deride his team for letting him down yet again. I know I never do.

(* This answer applies to American sports fans only. Sports fans in other countries are fucking insane and will gladly kill themselves and others because their favorite soccer team scored an own-goal.)

Who Would Be Our Go-To Villain If Hitler Had Never Existed?

 

Hey. This is Mohammad Al Jahurras, and I'm a friend of one Marcus J. Lattimore, aka Purrsecutioner aka Pussy, aka Purrsy, aka ************.

I just wanted to say that Purrsy probably would've appreciated your post. But he's dead. He took his life last night. Sigh. Forgive me if I'm a bit emotional, but...it was a bad deal.

His beautiful girlfriend admitted that she'd been having sex with all of his friends...well...at once...and yes, that includes me (man that bitch can give good head), but oddly enough, that didn't get to him too much.

It's when that he read that the Carolina Panthers cut Keiser....I guess...I guess he just figured they were gonna cut everyone, and that's when he did it. He lept out of the window. Two stories. Landed on the road, split his skull open. Like I said, it was a bad deal, see, he was still alive, spitting up blood, and I mean that shit was coming out of his mouth and the back of his broken skull like a running faucet, and his left eye, man...it...fell out. His one good eye, it was looking up at me, as I was screaming for him, trying to wedge his bitch off my rock hard cock...but then a fucking car came careening around the corner and took his fucking body apart like a smashed open chia pet....I'm sure that reference in no way has anything to do with Keiser being cut, but yeah...Purrsy's dead man.

McJeff was right.

McJeff was riiiight.

But I'm sure he would've appreciate this post, Palidin. I think he would've found the irony in this whole situation on this dark day.

Just so you all know...Purrsy loved all you guys. Must've. Had posters with all your likenesses on a wall in a dark room with death metal playing constantly and a lot of knives laying around.

 

Long live Purrsy!

 

I've been posting on boards with Purrsy for probably 15 years now and he's waaaaaay better than he used to be.

LMAO some of you thin skinned bitches would really have had a hard time back on the old Sporting New boards I think it was back in the day.

 

Man, it's been a long time, hasn't it. I seem to recall you saying you were gonna back me up one time when I was planning on a riot style attack on Rams fans once. Haha. Those were the days.

 

Haha yea those were the days. Fuck the Greatest Show on Turf and fuck Mike Martz.