Running Monty Python and the Holy Grail Quotes Thread

Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony! You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you! If I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!

 

we are french you silly english smeller of other peoples bottoms; why else do you think we speak with this reiculous accent.

 

"your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

now go away, or i shall taunt you a second time!"

 

MINSTREL:
Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Robin.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken,
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!

His head smashed in and his heart cut out
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his pen--


SIR ROBIN: That's-- that's, uh-- that's enough music for now, lads. Heh. Looks like there's dirty work afoot.

 

ARTHUR: What happens now?

BEDEVERE: Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French, uh, by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!

ARTHUR: Who leaps out?

BEDEVERE: U... u... uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh, and uh...

ARTHUR: Ohh.

BEDEVERE: Oh. Um, l... look, i... i... if we built this large wooden badger...

 

"come and see the violence inherent in the system!"

 

LAUNCELOT:
And again! Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big one! Uuh! Come on, Concorde!
[thwonk]
CONCORDE:
Message for YOU, Sir.
[fwump]
LAUNCELOT:
Concorde! Concorde! Speak to me! 'To whoever finds this note: I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the Tall Tower of Swamp Castle.'
At last! A call! A cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! Brave, brave Concorde, you shall not have died in vain!
CONCORDE:
Uh, I'm-- I'm not quite dead, sir.

 

TIM: There he is!
ARTHUR: Where?
TIM: There!
ARTHUR: What, behind the rabbit?
TIM: It is the rabbit!
ARTHUR: You silly sod! You got us all worked up!
TIM: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit. That's the most foul, cruel,
and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.
ROBIN: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
TIM: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a
killer!
KNIGHT: Get stuffed!
TIM: It'll do you a trick, mate!
KNIGHT: Oh, yeah?
ROBIN: You mangy Scot git!
TIM: I'm warning you!
ROBIN: What's he do, nibble your bum?
TIM: He's got huge, sharp-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!
ARTHUR: Go on, Boris. Chop his head off!
BORIS: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!
TIM: Look!
[squeak]
BORIS: Aaaugh!
[chord]
ARTHUR: Jesus Christ!
TIM: I warned you!
ROBIN: I peed again!
TIM: I warned you! But did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all,
didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well,
it's always the same, I always--
ARTHUR: Oh, shut up!
TIM: --But do they listen to me?--
ARTHUR: Right!
TIM: -Oh, no--
KNIGHTS: Charge!
[squeak squeak]
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! etc.
KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away!
TIM: Haw haw haw. Haw haw haw. Haw haw.
ARTHUR: Right. How many did we lose?
KNIGHT: Gawain.
KNIGHT: Hector.
ARTHUR: And Boris. That's five.
GALAHAD: Three, sir.
ARTHUR: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal
assault, that rabbit's dynamite.
ROBIN: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?
ARTHUR: Oh, shut up and go and change your armor.

 

And after the spanking, the oral sex.

 

that whole scene kicks ass

-----------------------
GIRLS: Hello!


ZOOT: Welcome, gentle Sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax.


GALAHAD: The Castle Anthrax?


ZOOT: Yes. Oh, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need!


GALAHAD: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?


ZOOT: The what?


GALAHAD: The Grail. It is here.


ZOOT: Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper!


MIDGET and CRAPPER: Yes, O Zoot?


ZOOT: Prepare a bed for our guest.


MIDGET and CRAPPER: Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!...


ZOOT: Away! Away, varletesses. The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big.


GALAHAD: Well, look, I-- I, uh--


ZOOT: What is your name, handsome knight?


GALAHAD: 'Sir Galahad... the Chaste'.


ZOOT: Mine is 'Zoot'. Just 'Zoot'. Oh, but come.


GALAHAD: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail!


ZOOT: Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious.


GALAHAD: No, look. I have seen it! It is here in this--


ZOOT: Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.


GALAHAD: Well, I-- I, uh--


ZOOT: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life: bathing, dressing, undressing, knitting exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay. Nay. Come. Come. You may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!


GALAHAD: No, no. It's-- it's nothing.


ZOOT: Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please! Lie down.


[clap clap]


PIGLET: Well, what seems to be the trouble?


GALAHAD: They're doctors?!


ZOOT: Uh, they... have a basic medical training, yes.


GALAHAD: B-- but--


ZOOT: Oh, come. Come. You must try to rest. Doctor Piglet! Doctor Winston! Practise your art.


WINSTON: Try to relax.


GALAHAD: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?


PIGLET: We must examine you.


GALAHAD: There's nothing wrong with that!


PIGLET: Please. We are doctors.


GALAHAD: Look! This cannot be. I am sworn to chastity.


PIGLET: Back to your bed! At once!


GALAHAD: Torment me no longer. I have seen the Grail!


PIGLET: There's no grail here.


GALAHAD: I have seen it! I have seen it!


[clank]


I have seen--


GIRLS: Hello.


GALAHAD: Oh.


GIRLS: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.


GALAHAD: Zoot!


DINGO: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.


GALAHAD: Oh, well, excuse me, I--


DINGO: Where are you going?


GALAHAD: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!


DINGO: Oh, no. Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!


GALAHAD: Well, what is it?


DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I have just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.


GALAHAD: It's not the real Grail?


DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! She is a bad person and must pay the penalty! Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when the boys were writing it, but now, we're glad. It's better than some of the previous scenes, I think.


LEFT HEAD: At least ours was better visually.


DENNIS: Well, at least ours was committed. It wasn't just a string of pussy jokes.


OLD MAN: Get on with it.


TIM THE ENCHANTER: Yes, get on with it!


ARMY OF KNIGHTS: Yes, get on with it!


DINGO: Oh, I am enjoying this scene.


GOD: Get on with it!


DINGO:

[sigh]


[clunk]


Oh, wicked, wicked Zoot. Oh, she is a naughty person and she must pay the penalty, and here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon: you must tie her down on a bed and spank her.


GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!


DINGO: You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like, and then, spank me.


AMAZING: And spank me.


STUNNER: And me.


LOVELY: And me.


DINGO: Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!


GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking! There is going to be a spanking tonight!


DINGO: And after the spanking, the oral sex.


GIRLS: The oral sex! The oral sex!


GALAHAD: Well, I could stay a bit longer.


LAUNCELOT: Sir Galahad!


GALAHAD: Oh, hello.


LAUNCELOT: Quick!


GALAHAD: What?


LAUNCELOT: Quick!


GALAHAD: Why?


LAUNCELOT: You are in great peril!


DINGO: No, he isn't.


LAUNCELOT: Silence, foul temptress!


GALAHAD: You know, she's got a point.


LAUNCELOT: Come on! We will cover your escape!


GALAHAD: Look, I'm fine!


LAUNCELOT: Come on!


GIRLS: Sir Galahad!


GALAHAD: No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!


DINGO: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!


GIRLS: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!


LAUNCELOT: No, Sir Galahad. Come on!


GALAHAD: No! Really! Honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily.


DINGO: Oh, yes. Let him handle us easily.


GIRLS: Yes. Let him handle us easily.


LAUNCELOT: No. Quick! Quick!


GALAHAD: Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred-and-fifty of them!


DINGO: Yes! Yes, he will beat us easily! We haven't a chance.


GIRLS: We haven't a chance. He will beat us easily...

[boom]


DINGO: Oh, shit.


LAUNCELOT: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.


GALAHAD: I don't think I was.


LAUNCELOT: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.


GALAHAD: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.


LAUNCELOT: No, it's too perilous.


GALAHAD: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.


LAUNCELOT: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!


GALAHAD: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?


LAUNCELOT: No. It's unhealthy.


GALAHAD: I bet you're gay.


LAUNCELOT: No, I'm not.