dook University is relocating to Dover

DURHAM, N.C. -- The rumors ARE true. Duke University is relocating to Dover, Del. effective someday soon. The surprise announcement was made simultaneously in Durham and Dover with understandably differing reactions.


The carefully worded statement co-signed by Nan Keohane, Jay Buckley and Hack Tyson stated:


“We take this step in compliance with page 5,743 of J. Buchanan Duke’s final will.

(1) Duke University MUST be located in a city beginning with the letter “D”

(2) If at all possible, Duke University should be located in a state in which Andy Griffith has never based a television series.”


As regards #1 the choices were Dover or Durango, Colorado. Dover won since Delaware also starts with a “D”. As for No. 2, Duke alumni have expressed indignant concern over the whole “Mayberry” thing for the past 40 years. Delaware Attorney General Otis Campbell verified that among the 63 actual residents of Delaware there was no one named Andy, Barney, Gomer, or Aunt Bea. There was a Howard Sprague but he recently moved to Sheboygan to care for his mom. That satisfied Duke officials.


The relocation will be in toto, including every single piece of granite plus the autographed photos of Richard Nixon and Ken Starr in the lobby of Duke Law School. Every associated institution, including the Medical Center, will be relocated. The tract of land in Dover is somewhat limited however and does not allow for the relocation of Wallace Wade Stadium. President Keohane, giggling demurely, acknowledged this was ‘hardly a deal breaker’. Two months membership coupons for TriangleJobs.com have been issued to Carl Franks and his staff.


Reporters found Duke’s most famous Polish guy and his wife shopping at The Healthy Back Store in SouthPoint Mall. Asked for their opinions, the Krzyzewskis replied … “#@&)%@!*&$&?/.” and something about “It’s not about where you are; its about relationships”. The move to Delaware has been in the works for five years, with basketball coaches Mike Bray and David Henderson scouting the area while employed at the University of Delaware.


Durham officials meanwhile appeared non plussed. Civic spinmeister Reyn Popeil held a press briefing at an abandoned wig store on Front Street. "Having Duke in Durham has been ‘OK’ but did present image inconsistency issues for us. With their departure Durham’s civic identity becomes much clearer. We are now forming 'Sister City' alliances with Gary Indiana and Beirut Lebanon.” Reyn then unveiled the 74th comprehensive plan for revitalizing downtown Durham, carefully pointing out that unlike the previous 73 plans which were constructed of popsicle sticks… this one was made from Legos.


As to future uses for the soon to be abandoned property in northwest Durham, Popeil noted that interest has already been shown by The NC Bureau of Prisons and a Nuclear Waste Disposal Firm, both of which are compatible with the city’s economic direction.


In Dover, U.S. Senator and permanent Democratic President wannabe Joe Biden was ecstatic… “By golly, I think we are the first of the original 13 colonies to have TWO Blue mascots.”… referring to Duke’s Blue Devil and the Blue Hen of the University of Delaware. Democratic National Committee Chairman Terry McAuliffe, hearing Biden’s insightful comment, banged his head on his desk and moaned.


ACC Commissioner John Swofford was queried as to his concerns. “So long as Joe Alleva gives us a check for a gazillion dollars at the end of March every year, I don’t care if they relocate to Islamabad.” N.C. State’s Wolfpack Club officials immediately condemned Swofford’s remarks as showing partiality to the University of North Carolina.


The news also garnered reaction from the world’s medical/scientific community. Ms Virginia Thrush of the International Genetics Council was positively giddy. “The Duke and the DuPont families together -- wow!! Their respective DNA chains have more extra chromosomes than the entire state of West Virginia and eastern Kentucky. We’ll be able to crossbred those families and sell their embryos to sideshows and carnivals around the world; we’ll make mega bucks. The possibility of a human unicorn within three generations is quite likely.”


A postscript to the official press release stated that a recently discovered codicil in the will of the late, and somewhat eccentric, Doris Duke stipulates that commensurate with the move to Delaware, President Keohane will now report directly to Doris’ pet parakeet FloJo. FloJo will be accompanied at future trustee meetings by Ms Duke’s longtime cabana boy, Enrique

 

There's a question DEEP down inside of me wanting to ask if Dukey REALLY believes this

 

i dont i know want to belive i mean it wall be nice to dook move out of the acc but it all way fun to beat them

 

ya know, god maid dukey preach about the heels right?? But has dukey posted anything where he is NOT talking about duke lately?? I'm sure dukey believes this. I think dukey believes alot of things. He sure as hell didn't believe me when i said it was impossible for unc to get into the NIT this year because they didn't have a .500 record. So, i'll bet he believes it. By the way, i know that's not how you spell MADE.

 

no i belive you woyd hi woyd i know how you can lose weight with out bey any pell or droug and you it all free if you wouid like inf how you can lose weight easy and safe PM and i wall sand you inf

 

i...don't.....know what to say.

 

you befor i was sick i was 203 ibs know 30 about 30 days afther that now i am 183 ibs befor i was size 36 today i am zise

 

Hi, WYDD. I know how you can lose weight without buy(ing) any pill or drug and use it all free. If you woud like inf(ormation about)how you can lose weight easy and safe PM and I will send you the info.

2 to 1 Dukey's response to any PM will be, "Dun't eet so much, you fat bausturd."

 

my thing is this. If dukey has dyslexia, he still puts a Y in my handle. So, why in the FAUCK does he put an "O" in there???

 

I think dukey wants to give you AIDS. OLL