chuckle, tsk

QUOTES FROM THE MUSIC BUSINESS

"Try to look at the big picture ... we're all in it and you're not!"
- -- Industry executive to a stubborn engineer

"Could you put that up an octave just a little?"
- -- unknown producer

"I just want the vibe of the strings to be on the tape."
- -- unknown producer after telling the engineer to erase the string
tracks he just spent the entire day recording

"So let's run an instrumental version, and then one without any vocals."
-- Steve Lindsey

"Bruce just listened to all the songs on the greatest hits LP. He wants
to speed them all up, except for 'Thunder Road', which speeds up all by
itself."
- -- John Landau

"Does the noise in my head bother you?"
- -- Highly caffeinated engineer up for 36 hours.

"I've never liked backwards ideas. It always sounds like you've run out
of forwards ideas."
- -- Gilson Lavis, former drummer with Squeeze

"Well, that's the dilemma. It's supposed to be a solo and the backing
vocals aren't very good, so I'd turn up the hand claps and make it a
party sort of vibe."
- -- Paul Westerberg in response to Bob's question "Is that a solo?"

"I make records so I can buy art."
- -- Jimmy Iovine to Jim Kerr after hearing lyrics to a new Simple Minds
song.

Joe Pine (60's talk show host who sported a wooden leg) to Frank Zappa
"So, with your long hair, I guess that makes you a woman."

Frank Zappa's response -- "So, with your wooden leg, I guess that makes
you a table."

"That's not a bug, that's a feature."
- -- Phil Cork, SSL software engineer

"Well, it's not really 'hi-fi,' and not really 'lo-fi.' It's just kinda
'fi.'"
- -- Aimee Mann

"You don't actually have to be able to understand the lyrics, you've
just got to feel like you could if you wanted to"
- -- Chuck Plotkin (Producer for Bruce Springsteen)

"Why the hell would I make up a name like 'Froom'?"
- -- Mitchell Froom, upon being asked if 'Froom' was his real name

"You play it now, I'll skip it for you later."
- -- Producer asking for a part from a violinist after the violinist
suggested skipping that section.

"That sucked......come on in"
Engineer to singer at ProTools session.

"No brain, no headache."
- -- Unknown engineer referring to guitarist who accidentally swallowed
his guitar pick.

 

For those who are feeling a little older and missing those great old
tunes, there is good news. Some of your old favorites have re-released
their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging
audience.

Some examples:

Paul Simon--"Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Carly Simon--"You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees--"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations--"Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
Nancy Sinatra--"These Boots Give Me Arthritis"
ABBA--"Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer--"You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores--"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
Procol Harem--"A Whiter Shade of Hair"
The Beatles--"I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"
Steely Dan--"Rikki Don't Lose Your Car Keys"
Herman's Hermits--"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
The Rolling Stones--"You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
Credence Clearwater Revival--"Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye--I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who--"Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs--"Bald Thing"

and my personal favorite:

Neil Sedaka -- "Getting it up is hard to do "

 

You may find some of this humorous in an "inside" sort of way.
I edited a "reed selection" process that, while funny, was ridicuously exaggerated, and long.
The complete article can be found on the sax site at Google.

First things first. If you're a white guy you'll need a stupid hat, the stupid
> the better and preferably a beret. Sunglasses are optional, but all the really
> really good players wear them, especially indoors. You'll also need some "gig
> shirts" -- Hawaiians are good, in a pinch anything with a loud floral pattern is
> acceptable, as are T shirts from various jazz clubs and festivals. The good
> thing about the latter is that you can get them mail order, so you don't have to
> go to all the trouble of actually seeing live music. And sandals are an absolute
> must, even in winter.
>
> Once you've assembled the proper attire you can begin practicing. One of the
> most important things about playing is being able to convey emotion to the
> audience. This you do through various facial expressions. The two emotions
> you'll need to convey are (1) rapture slash ecstasy and (2) soul wrenching pain
> and sadness (i.e., the blues).
> You may find it useful in the beginning to borrow a page from the method acting
> school. So, for example, to convey rapture try thinking of something nice, like
> puppy dogs or getting a rim job from Uma Thurman while Phil Barone feeds you
> Armor hot dogs with truffle sauce. To convey the "blues" try thinking of
> something really really appalling, like ulcerative colitis or Alec Baldwin. You
> should practice your facial expressions in front of a mirror at least two hours
> per day. You may feel a tad stupid at first, but you'll never get the chicks if
> you don't jump around on stage like a monkey with your face all screwed up like
> there's a rabid wolverine in your colon, believe you me. And bottom line, chicks
> is really what music's all about.
>
> Next, you'll need the correct ligature. Some people think that the ligature is
> just a stupid piece of old metal that holds the reed on the mouthpiece. Well,
> those people are idiots. Besides your beret the ligature is the single most
> important piece of musical equipment you will ever buy. Mine, for example, is
> 40% platinum and 60% titanium; one screw is rubidium and the other plutonium. It
> makes me sound exactly like Booker Ervin would if Booker Ervin were (1) not dead
> and (2) on Mars, if (2)(a) there was oxygen on Mars. You may have to spend years
> and years and thousands of dollars finding the proper ligature, but in the end
> it will definitely be worth it.
>
> > Now, you say you just bought a horn. Although you didn't say what kind it is I'd
> sell it immediately and get a different one. The best one to get would be a
> Selmer Mark VI made at 4:27 PM on June 14, 1963, serial number 635543. If you
> can't get that one though, generally speaking the older and more expensive the
> better. The following brands are good: Selmer Paris Mark VI. The following
> brands suck: any other Selmer, Yamaha, Conn, Beuscher, Yanigasawa, Cannonball,
> LA, Jupiter, Elkhart, King, Martin, Keilworth, Boosey and Hawkes, Couf,
> Silvertone, and Holton. On no account should you play the horn before you buy
> it: go strictly on reputation and price. If you can't get a Mark VI and need
> further information, there's some broad in here who's owned every freaking
> saxophone ever made, Sherry or Sheryl or something, she can probably tells you
> which one's the best.
>
> You will also need some accoutrements: a flight case capable of withstanding
> atmospheric pressure of dP = - Dg dz where D and g are, respectively, the
> density of air and the acceleration due to gravity at the altitude of the air
> layer and dz is a horizontal layer of air having unit surface area and
> infinitesimal thickness; a metronome; a tuner; a combination alto, tenor
> baritone sax stand with pegs for an oboe, bass clarinet, flute, English horn and
> bassoon; Band in a Box; every Jamie Abersold play along record ever created; a
> reed cutter; swabs, cleaners, pad savers, pad dope, pad clamps; a Sennheiser
> Digital 1092 Wireless Microphone; an effects rig with digital delay and
> parametric EQ; and a 200 watt (per channel, minimum) amplifier and 18" monitor.
>
> It will be helpful if you listen to lots of sax players. Unfortunately,
> listening solely to players you like is absolutely the worst thing you can do.
> To really understand the music and its traditions you have to go back to the
> beginning and listen to every bit of music ever recorded. I'd start with
> madrigals and work forward. Once you get to the 20th century pay particular
> attention to players like Jimmy Dorsey and Sidney Bechet, the well-springs of
> the modern jazz saxophone. In no time at all, or by 2034, whichever comes first,
> you'll be able to understand the unique be-bop stylings of players like Ace
> Cannon, Boots Randolph and Grover Washington Jr.
>
> Finally, to play the sax itself, blow in the small end and move your fingers
> around.
>

 

re: new lyrics/aging audience

u know what is sad? i recognize all the oldies tunes!