My journey

Do you vote?

 

That's awesome, John! I'm so happy for you! It's never easy to put your story out there, but I'm glad you did.

The healing process can take a very long time. Maybe even a lifetime. I've been a Christian for almost 10 years, and I'm still healing from my past hurts and fears. But that's okay, because I know I'm in safe hands now that will allow me to heal the right way.

Baptism should be an equally powerful experience for you. Not that there is anything supernatural about it, but it will be a multi-sensory experience that will affirm what you've already felt -- your old life is dead, and your new life with Christ has begun. That's what baptism really is -- a picture of the death and burial of the old self who lived apart from God, and the birth of the new self who will live with God forever. Of course, it's also an illustration of Jesus' death, burial, and resurrection. It's a powerful experience when you understand what it means.

I look forward to watching your relationship with God grow and blossom in the time to come, and if I can help in any way with that, please let me know!

 

Thank you so much for the kind words. Everything I've learned so far is truly a blessing. I'd honestly like to hear more about your story if you're willing to share. You can PM me, or I'll PM you my email address if you'd prefer. I'm struggling with guilt and lonliness right now, but I know my relationship with Christ will get me through it. Not to mention that I'm already making wonderful new friends. My biggest struggle has been with losing the person who meant the most to me, and the guilt over how I hurt her, and she's angry that she gave me the tools to find The Way, but I had to be ready for myself. She blames herself for a lot of things, but there was nothing she could have done any different, and I don't know if she'll ever understand that it was nothing she did or didn't do, that I had major issues, and I basically had to be stepped on and crushed to realize that I had those issues. I just don't want her to continue to feel like she did something wrong, or that she wasn't good enough for me, or that she was unattractive to me, or anything like that. She was nearly perfect, and treated me wonderfully, I just had addictions that didn't allow me to give myself to her the way she gave herself to me. I pray that she doesn't blame herself, or feel bad about herself, and let it affect her future relationships. She helped me find God again, and I pray that he will mend the wounds I caused her and allow her to love and trust somebody again. She deserves to be happy, and she deserves the very best. She truly lives her live through Christ, so I know He will take care of her.

 

Here's the short version:

In my teens, I didn't know and didn't care whether God existed or not. The only exposure to church I had was being forced to go to a little Methodist church in northwest Arkansas, where I saw and experienced little more than ritual and hypocrisy.

The first two years of my marriage, my dad had a stroke and my wife nearly died from Lupus -- those experiences changed my attitude and I found my self motivated to find out for myself whether or not God was really there.

I spent the next few years doing research, starting with the scientific evidence both for and against. Finding the bulk of the evidence on the side of an Intelligent Designer, I switched gears to studying world religions. If there was indeed a God, I wanted to know who had the right ideas about Him.

I spent another year studying religions before finally being convinced that Biblical Christianity was trustworthy enough to commit to it in late 1999 (had nothing to do with y2k).

Since then I have listened to, talked with, and debated people through the internet and in person, fielding and finding answers to any and all questions about Biblical Christianity, and I can say honestly after over 10 years of studying, dialoguing and debating, my faith has never been betrayed -- it has only grown and gotten stronger.

 

That's the only way it happens, and she might be frustrated about it because she loves you, but I doubt she's truly angry. Relationships cannot be forced -- regardless of who is involved -- and Christianity is about building a relationship with God. That can't happen through a third party any more than a marriage can work through a third party.

I'd be willing to bet that joy over your renewed connection with Him far outweighs any frustration and/or sadness she's felt about your past together.

 

Thank you so much for this perspective, it helped me a lot.

 

Nice story. Happy for you.

 

A lot of people don't realize just how great the feeling is. I'm so happy with you. I'm sorry I haven't seen this until now. What's funny is, I'll also be getting baptised again this Sunday. I'll be thinking about you, and I'll say a prayer of thanksgiving for you.

God Bless you

 

Now I don't want to come across as trying to shit in the punchbowl (Hell knows TBR has enough punchbowl-shitters to poop any party), but what you've shared here does make me wonder about a few things.

What did you do to explore your ideas on what the meaning of your life might be, other than listen to what others thought it should be? I notice there's nothing here about any logical reasoning you made to get around all the improbable claims that go with Christianity (talking snakes, mythic miracles, etc.). It seems this was more about filling some kind of emotional need, like the need for meaning or a sense of belonging. It sounds like (correct me if I'm wrong) that you were basically a nihilist for a long time, eventually got tired of it, and then figured the standard pre-packaged meaning the church has to offer was your only other option.

I'm very familiar with the environment you describe... the altar calls, the group hugs, nice married ladies getting all weepy seeing a nice young man come back to Jesus, the whole thing. So I get the belonging thing, the sense of meaning thing, and the emotional catharsis letting it all go to God thing. Meaning, I get the attraction for those who buy it. But that also means I am very aware - even an expert - on the very real hazards of forsaking reason for faith altogether. So I consider it worth my own time to share the following questions, offered only with sincere respect:

* What are you doing to reshape your life into something fulfilling and meaningful that is not directly related to the church or religious practice?

* How much time have you allotted yourself to grieve and allow the natural emotions from your past relationship to run their course? What have you done to ensure that you're not trading off one unhealthy set of addictions for another?

* Have you chosen a religious environment that encourages you to ask real questions when an idea or teaching doesn't make sense, or one that pressures you to put aside your doubts and "just believe?"

* Are you certain that your problems are all taken care of just because you've "turned them over to God?" Or do you just feel relieved and less anxious about them having found a way to ground yourself? Have you given serious thought to how to recognize the difference?

* How much of the guilt you're currently dealing with is related to things you've done that have actually hurt to other people, and how much is related to things that didn't really hurt anybody but made God mad at you? In what way does feeling guilty or bad about yourself help you to overcome your problems and make life better for yourself?

* If you think God is trying to tell you he wants you to do something, what lets you know that? What form does the message take? What is it you're really looking for? And how can you tell it apart from just some kind of vague, baseless hunch?

These questions are just for you, not for me or anybody else. But if you can't answer them for yourself you might want to figure out why.

Finally, one statement, not a question. If you absolutely must follow the path of the Nazarene - you know, just CAN'T live without it - know that you don't have to give up reason and common sense altogether to do it. If God did indeed make you, as I must assume you believe, then he gave you those things for a reason. Sermon off.

 

Rez, congratulations! I'm always happy to see someone reach such a point of clarity & peace of mind, & to feel such a sense of purpose in their life. I know from experience what a wonderful feeling that is, & remember the high that comes with it, & the growth that can spring from it. I wish you the very best & much happiness.

ECILAM, as always, your posts make me really think! I'd love to have had that list of thoughts & questions at several points along my spiritual journey. Since I'm still "becoming," I've saved it for future reference. Thanks!